I get lots of opportunities to say things to people while they’re upset. Sometimes I’m upset myself, sometimes I’m not. It’s much easier to choose the right words to say when I’m calm, but I still manage to screw it up sometimes. It’s hard to know what will be calming and what will be enraging. It’s hard to know when to empathize and when to criticize. Sometimes I think that people are completely right and deserve empathy, but I still take the devil’s advocate approach. Sometimes I think people are completely wrong but I still give them the empathy that I don’t think they deserve. How do I decide?
What I try to do is dig into where they are and where I think they should be. Then I decide whether I think I can get them to the place I want them all at once, or whether it will take multiple steps. Finally, I choose the words that will either take them, or start to move them, in a positive direction. I know this all sounds somewhat selfish, but if you think about it, isn’t that all counseling really is?
I’m usually pretty sure about where I think they should be but I’m not always sure about where they are. This is where the trouble can begin. If I miscalculate their position, by even a little bit, then the tack I set them on can be very, very wrong. I hate it when that happens.
When others hurt (are upset), genuine care (read: llove) requires us to intervene. We will never always be right in our words and actions, but the opposite of caring (read:llove) is indifference. The world is full of that characteristic. Press on. Indifference hurts others worse, and damages you as well.
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